Thursday, March 9, 2017

Being Confined To My Bed

Sometimes when you work too hard, you don’t realize that your body is actually telling you to stop for a while. It’s when you ignore that little voice in you that your body starts to make its own move letting you to be confined to bed for days and nights as if it’s going to be forever.

Lately I had been taking green tea for almost a week. I took a different brand on the last day and about an hour later my head felt wavy  all of a sudden.  I was about to go out that day. I couldn’t help myself but fell half on the bed. I was lucky that Ivan was there as it was his day off from work. He pulled me up onto the bed to correct my position. I was motionless. My mind was almost fading but gained consciousness as I continued to breathe. Since then, I had been confined to bed for about four days and nights — I was unable to stand too long. Whenever I made a slight move, my head would feel wavy. I blamed the green teas for that incident.

Throughout being confined to my bed, I battled with some nightmares which left me restless, tired, afraid, insecure and feeling negative. I had to cancel all my activities. Then came the moment when I felt that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. I just needed a new environment — for myself, my music and writing. An environment which is not complicated — not being hooked so much to high tech and social media lifestyle — a serene, nature filled and quieter surrounding.  I pictured myself sitting on a balcony by the seashore.  

I wasn’t only feeling wavy but also experiencing the pressure and discomfort from the centre of my head down to my shoulders. I thought that couldn’t be from the green teas. I tried to remember and I figured it out. For the last eight to ten months, I had been doing my music, recording, videotaping and doing most of my works on computers and devices for hours, days, weeks and months — all by myself. There were many times with sleepless nights and missing quality sleeps — though having been reminded by Ivan to go to bed early. Just before the incident happened, I had been spending hours finishing my fourth song on the computer while playing my guitar. Then, the last two nights, I had been texting on my cell from around 2a.m to 5a.m. — in the dark without wearing my glasses. How could I be so ignorant of myself!

In just less than a week, I’ve received a strong message from my inner voice that I should really take good care of myself. There’s no other more important thing than my `being’— all of my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual aspects. Hence, good communication established between me and myself — between me and my God.

Since then, I realize that my physical health condition cannot merely depend on the health insurance I have. I consider it as a system of this world — just a must have. I have to take great care of myself by recognizing the needs of my physical body. I need to be conscious of the right food to consume, having sufficient sleep and rest — praying for safety and good health. I also need to be careful as not to get into trouble because of ignorance — though I already did.

When my emotion is being hit by frustration and discouragement, I wonder if it could be from my high expectation towards myself and those around me. Being confined to my bed for few days and nights has taught me that I should have the attitude of accepting things and let them go especially when I have no control over it — since I’m not the master of this world and this life.  I’m just a part of it and should be content with what I’m capable of — not towards becoming 100% perfect which is impossible and killing.

On the spiritual aspect of my life, I’ve always considered my religious views and devotion as very important. They keep me going and breathing. My life has been shaped much by them and I have no doubt of the spiritual existence. I couldn’t do much when I was stuck in bed. I could only utter certain spiritual phrases begging for life. I saw in front of me huge tasks and responsibilities to fulfill. At the same time I realized that I wasn’t the ultimate decision maker for my life. But, I would always be grateful for every minute added into my lifetime and for being able to see the next day.

There are times when I tend to fill a little hole with the ocean — trying to put a lot of information into my little head. It’s the craving for more knowledge in order to become more knowledgeable.  When I was confined to my bed, I knew my limitations. Even in that condition my mind was still working — playing every data of ideas and information which came in and out of my painful head. That experience taught me to let go of things, empty my mind and relax.

I’ve come to the conclusion that in everything, I just need to keep things simple and manageable.  Forget about thinking or dreaming too big. Accept things as what they are each day. There is more to this life than just working. There are 86,400 seconds in a day to be fruitfully spent by being kind to myself and others.

I’m erasing the idea of wanting to be above everything or everyone. We’ve always been taught to compete and show our best to beat others. This mentality will only make a person become arrogant and overburdened, causing deep stress and depression. We all have a unique way and part to play in this world. So, when we arrive to our limit, we should be happier and content with it. We have played our part the best we can. It’s better to achieve something which isn’t that bad and live healthier than to achieve something too big and later be confined to a bed — motionless.

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