Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Crossroads Encounter

The best thing to do when you’re encountering crossroads, is to remain where you are. Then wait until you’re fully informed and ready for the next move.

This crossroads encounter has been going on in the middle of finalizing my composed songs. I was all set when some interesting ideas crept into my mind. I wasn’t really sure if my need to be in a new environment was actually to embark in another adventure.

Is moving to another state good for our future? It appears quite fascinating to be informed about the possibility of some good opportunities. Still it can be scary to live in a place where you have to start all over again — getting to know new people, making new friends, adapting with the weather and kind of lifestyle. I haven’t even completely learned how to adjust myself here. I find myself still depending so much on others. Perhaps this is why my inner self tends to claim that sense of independence — as I used to be. 

Probably staying means I’ll be stagnant and stuck with my daily routines. I wonder if there’s space to grow.  Going means freedom to explore but not without challenges to face — perhaps rougher ones. Fortunately I have ample of time to think and ponder. There’s no rush for the moment.

My desire to study more than a decade ago had acquired me two bachelor degrees each in language and art. I had years invested in studies and I thought that was it. I wanted to focus on something else more rewarding — something for me to give back to society. So, I now use a lot of my time for studying on my own. However that desire to learn in a tangible way crept into my heart. I picture all the years ahead that I will go through — God willing. I envision all the days, weeks, months and years spent in studies, working and contributing to society. For sure there will be no regret at all. The only thing that I worry about being too studious is the growing of more white hairs — more than I worry about the fees. Studying on my own is fun and free. Going to college will put myself under strict self-discipline but later will acquire me official transcripts to prove that I’m ‘somebody’. Either way, I still have time to think and ponder. There’s no rush for the moment.

As I was pondering to further my studies, I became overwhelmed with the types of courses being offered. I have always been fascinated with fashion and fairies. For a moment, I was thinking of pursuing my studies in fashion. Though I’ve already acquired a Bachelor Degree in Fashion Design, I wasn’t impressed with the result. But when I think about it, at least I had the experience and I just have to polish my performance in that field of art. Having this idea in mind, I intend to consider going back to fashion in my own creative way — within my own space and time.  I’m giving a serious thought about this and quite excited about it.

It’s always good to ask someone for an opinion though we’re not obliged to follow it. I asked Ivan if I should go back to college and what type of course should I take. I used to ask him if I should go for baking course. He didn’t have any objection. I pictured those cute cupcakes in a bakery shop. It looked so fun. Then, I started to go through the process of opening the shop. When everything was on paper, I found myself being overwhelmed by all the procedures and responsibilities including some risks to face. What started from a simple idea became a huge and complicated matter. After all the research and studies that I’ve done, I finally came to the conclusion that, it wasn’t what I wanted. I was just interested in seeing those colorful cakes because I love colors and they look tasty. Somehow, it didn’t end just like that. I sort of enjoy being able to indulge in baking cakes for our family members every birthday occasion. I enjoyed decorating the cakes and seeing the smiles on their faces.

I asked Ivan again of what type of course I should take. As usual he would always say, “Whatever you want.” But this time I was quite persistent, asking for the truth of his opinion. Then, he said with his eyes glittering — as I saw them, “Take music.” That’s it. I like the truth of such opinion. That was exactly what I wanted I’ve been making my songs, singing and practicing my music all these while. Why should I ignore the opportunity to learn the skill from a prestigious college just a few minutes away from home?

Now that I can see where I should be heading to, it helps me to prepare myself in many areas — where and how to get the financial, material and moral support I need. There’s always a warming up in everything before getting started. This is another adventure, hopefully to be in a new environment where things can be more exciting and interesting. However, it isn’t enough to be just becoming very enthusiastic about something new and being unable to calm down.  I believe that I have to bring any matter in life — a decision making in particular —  into contemplation. Again, I don’t have to rush — instead I need to be able to sit still and let myself be guided in my discernment  then be ready for the next move.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Being Confined To My Bed

Sometimes when you work too hard, you don’t realize that your body is actually telling you to stop for a while. It’s when you ignore that little voice in you that your body starts to make its own move letting you to be confined to bed for days and nights as if it’s going to be forever.

Lately I had been taking green tea for almost a week. I took a different brand on the last day and about an hour later my head felt wavy  all of a sudden.  I was about to go out that day. I couldn’t help myself but fell half on the bed. I was lucky that Ivan was there as it was his day off from work. He pulled me up onto the bed to correct my position. I was motionless. My mind was almost fading but gained consciousness as I continued to breathe. Since then, I had been confined to bed for about four days and nights — I was unable to stand too long. Whenever I made a slight move, my head would feel wavy. I blamed the green teas for that incident.

Throughout being confined to my bed, I battled with some nightmares which left me restless, tired, afraid, insecure and feeling negative. I had to cancel all my activities. Then came the moment when I felt that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. I just needed a new environment — for myself, my music and writing. An environment which is not complicated — not being hooked so much to high tech and social media lifestyle — a serene, nature filled and quieter surrounding.  I pictured myself sitting on a balcony by the seashore.  

I wasn’t only feeling wavy but also experiencing the pressure and discomfort from the centre of my head down to my shoulders. I thought that couldn’t be from the green teas. I tried to remember and I figured it out. For the last eight to ten months, I had been doing my music, recording, videotaping and doing most of my works on computers and devices for hours, days, weeks and months — all by myself. There were many times with sleepless nights and missing quality sleeps — though having been reminded by Ivan to go to bed early. Just before the incident happened, I had been spending hours finishing my fourth song on the computer while playing my guitar. Then, the last two nights, I had been texting on my cell from around 2a.m to 5a.m. — in the dark without wearing my glasses. How could I be so ignorant of myself!

In just less than a week, I’ve received a strong message from my inner voice that I should really take good care of myself. There’s no other more important thing than my `being’— all of my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual aspects. Hence, good communication established between me and myself — between me and my God.

Since then, I realize that my physical health condition cannot merely depend on the health insurance I have. I consider it as a system of this world — just a must have. I have to take great care of myself by recognizing the needs of my physical body. I need to be conscious of the right food to consume, having sufficient sleep and rest — praying for safety and good health. I also need to be careful as not to get into trouble because of ignorance — though I already did.

When my emotion is being hit by frustration and discouragement, I wonder if it could be from my high expectation towards myself and those around me. Being confined to my bed for few days and nights has taught me that I should have the attitude of accepting things and let them go especially when I have no control over it — since I’m not the master of this world and this life.  I’m just a part of it and should be content with what I’m capable of — not towards becoming 100% perfect which is impossible and killing.

On the spiritual aspect of my life, I’ve always considered my religious views and devotion as very important. They keep me going and breathing. My life has been shaped much by them and I have no doubt of the spiritual existence. I couldn’t do much when I was stuck in bed. I could only utter certain spiritual phrases begging for life. I saw in front of me huge tasks and responsibilities to fulfill. At the same time I realized that I wasn’t the ultimate decision maker for my life. But, I would always be grateful for every minute added into my lifetime and for being able to see the next day.

There are times when I tend to fill a little hole with the ocean — trying to put a lot of information into my little head. It’s the craving for more knowledge in order to become more knowledgeable.  When I was confined to my bed, I knew my limitations. Even in that condition my mind was still working — playing every data of ideas and information which came in and out of my painful head. That experience taught me to let go of things, empty my mind and relax.

I’ve come to the conclusion that in everything, I just need to keep things simple and manageable.  Forget about thinking or dreaming too big. Accept things as what they are each day. There is more to this life than just working. There are 86,400 seconds in a day to be fruitfully spent by being kind to myself and others.

I’m erasing the idea of wanting to be above everything or everyone. We’ve always been taught to compete and show our best to beat others. This mentality will only make a person become arrogant and overburdened, causing deep stress and depression. We all have a unique way and part to play in this world. So, when we arrive to our limit, we should be happier and content with it. We have played our part the best we can. It’s better to achieve something which isn’t that bad and live healthier than to achieve something too big and later be confined to a bed — motionless.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Keeping Up

So much has been going on these past few weeks. It has already been a month  keeping up with my music home recording as well as writing apart from daily chores. I admit that at times I feel like giving up because of fatigue after working hard the whole day. But there's also a feeling of satisfaction seeing the outcome at the end of the day. It's of course something to console and encourage me to proceed what I have started. 

This week I found a perfect spot to do my writing. On that particular morning I had the patio at a nearby library all for myself  two hours of complete silence and undisturbed moments. The weather was extraordinarily fine for this winter season that I didn't shiver at all. This is exactly the moment I need to get immersed into my own fairy tale epic. I can't wait to see the ending. It's still a long way to go. 

As for now, most of my times are spent on creating and writing while learning at the same time. I admit that I'm still lacking in many ways and quite slow at time. I just have to be patient with myself especially with this thing about being perfectionist  learning to be more flexible instead. 

Monday, January 16, 2017

Time and Space

I have been coming back and forth  between my hometown and where I live now for a decade. I have learned the ups and downs, pros and cons of living in a different continent. At this point of the journey, I have acquired the strengths, valuable experiences and knowledge I needed to understand the kind of lifestyles here. Now, I seem to be ready for the next adventure of moving out and to stay focus on my calling. But it's not until I have completed an album of twelve action songs and an EP. 

Last Sunday, I had some moments spent in Gaslamp, having breakfast at Hard Rock Hotel, Black Forest Cherry Sundae at Ghirardelli Chocolate, taking a walk around the district and capturing a view of Little Italy. I was telling myself that this could be my perfect place to live as a song composer and writer ─ at least for a year or two.

Now that I have a long list of song-writing task-flow plus a novel which I managed to write three chapters so far, and a desire to come up with some artwork designs, I definitely need my own  quiet and peaceful time and space. Yes, it's so easy to wish on having something but to go through the details of moving out and renting is a challenge but not impossible.

I know what it means to get up at 4 a.m., getting ready in a rush, being stuck in traffic  jam, loaded with bunch of paperwork, coming home late and still doing some works before going to bed having that experience for more than ten years. It was all right for certain period of years but it has left me stagnant. Now that I have hired my own self, staying focus on my writing tasks is like being a captain of my own boat. I'm fully responsible for most of my administration but the sense of 'freedom' is awesome. I can tell myself to get sick leave on weekdays and to resume work on weekend. I can show mercy and compassion towards myself when I need it or push myself to work until I hit the target score of the day. Good thing that I have learned a lot in managing time and work during my working years. I have built that trust between employer and employee within me. So, I'm fully hired! 

Any type of good job which helps someone to earn the food that he/she eats ─ is a blessing. 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Farewell 2016 Welcome 2017!!

Two years have gone by since my last entry. Here I am again trying to write from my desk at home ─ saying hi to the new year 2017 and good bye to 2016 which I had been unable to write a single word. It was in the month of January last year that I came home, here in San Diego. For the whole year, I had been trying to readjust as a freelancer and rearrange everything about my life. I do miss this blog. I wasn't tired of blogging but I had been writing here and there, except here. So, "what's up?" to myself.

It's winter again. Honestly, humanly speaking I dislike it. Right now I'm having cold and sore throat and it's so uncomfortable to do things around. I'm supposed to arrange some songs and sing for a compact disk compilation. With this condition, I just have to be patient with myself and the weather. I just have to do something else instead of lying down on my bed. I'm actually battling with something else. 

Being perfectionist often leads me to being impatient and procrastinate. Though I know the solution ─ which I think is to have the time and space all for myself. They aren't always available and it takes time to get them achieved. Living with other family members, doesn't give me much of the time and space I need. There are always things needed to get done in the house for the family to live comfortably. When comes to do my real works, I find myself exhausted and having little time to complete them. Again being perfectionist prompts me to delay and look for the right time which may never come. Once I started to do something on the music, writing  or a work of art, it's hard to stop. Any interruption will ruin everything. It makes me question, does it really matter to finish something? 

It takes me the whole year to rearrange everything for the time and space I need to be able to do my work.  At other times I find myself preparing for some church activities which I'm thankful for. They make me aware that I'm not just for myself and those close to me. Besides I have been blessed with new friends and getting to know more people. I'm also feeling extremely blessed to have Ivan around again. He's a God-sent buddy who is always there for me. 

Having written my thoughts here today after a long silence, I feel quite relieved. It may be a sign that I'm beginning to have that specific time and space which I call my own. I'm progressing in years and to be able to have that kind of freedom is something great. It's always nice to be able to sit and write.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Oh Year 2015!

It's probably not too late for me to welcome the Year 2015.  It's already the month of March, in a week time before my birthday. A year with so much hope and anticipation but definitely not a 'thinking big' year for me.  Two years gone with lots of untold stories and events - except on my Facebook. For quite sometimes, I did not feel like writing because I was busy writing something else besides my tight work schedule. Where am I? I'm Just like a traveler always moving here and there - picking good and bad experiences.  At least I'm still here. 

Back at home for a while, I have the chance to type again on my PC. Well, it's so good to be back again after almost two years of absence from here. I do have a lot to say but I can only talk about some spiritual transformations which had kept me going and survived through certain ordeals.  I don't have the best tips of how to be rich and gain more money, but I had learnt something which I consider as lifetime tips for better life - having quality time with our loved ones and the people around us, preserving and appreciating Mother Nature and of course upholding my One and Only Faith. 

It's not so easy to detach myself from the common thinking and desire of the human race - owning big houses and more properties, having relaxations and vacations, striving for position and approval, chasing glam and glitter of life, et cetera. It's just that the more I strive to acquire them, the more less peaceful and lack of focus I become. Those two years have taught me to value the most important and necessary things in my life - my loved ones and those in need of my help - including my surrounding nature and environment. Those years also taught me to TRUST in my Faith, the Divine providence, protection, guidance and assistance. Honestly, my silence for all these while is concluded in my finding of the Divine Mercy - the answer to the most asked question in my life. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

Year 2014

Welcoming the year a little late here but the month of January has accumulated so many memories of the past years. My focus will continue to be more on nature and environment as I go on living with deep respect to our Mother Earth. It's a gift from The Creator, and I would like to cherish that through my encounters with the creations His hands have made for you and me. 

Enjoying my mom's humble garden in one fine afternoon ....