Being Confined To My Bed

Sometimes when you work too hard, you don’t realize that your body is actually telling you to stop for a while. It’s when you ignore that little voice in you that your body starts to make its own move — letting you to be confined to bed for days and nights as if it’s going to be forever.

Lately I had been taking green tea for almost a week. I took a different brand on the last day and about an hour later my head felt wavy  all of a sudden.  I was about to go out that day. I couldn’t help myself but fell half on the bed. I was lucky that Ivan was there as it was his day off from work. He pulled me up onto the bed to correct my position. I was motionless. My mind was almost fading but gained consciousness as I continued to breathe. Since then, I had been confined to bed for about four days and nights — I was unable to stand too long. Whenever I made a slight move, my head would feel wavy. I blamed the green teas for that incident.

Throughout being confined to my bed, I battled with some nightmares which left me restless, tired, afraid, insecure and feeling negative. I had to cancel all my activities. Then came the moment when I felt that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. I just needed a new environment — for myself, my music and writing. An environment which is not complicated — not being hooked so much to high tech and social media lifestyle — a serene, nature filled and quieter surrounding.  I pictured myself sitting on a balcony by the seashore.  

I wasn’t only feeling wavy but also experiencing the pressure and discomfort from the centre of my head down to my shoulders. I thought that couldn’t be from the green teas. I tried to remember and I figured it out. For the last eight to ten months, I had been doing my music, recording, videotaping and doing most of my works on computers and devices for hours, days, weeks and months — all by myself. There were many times with sleepless nights and missing quality sleeps — though having been reminded by Ivan to go to bed early. Just before the incident happened, I had been spending hours finishing my fourth song on the computer while playing my guitar. Then, the last two nights, I had been texting on my cell from around 2a.m to 5a.m. — in the dark without wearing my glasses. How could I be so ignorant of myself!

In just less than a week, I’ve received a strong message from my inner voice that I should really take good care of myself. There’s no other more important thing than my `being’— all of my physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual aspects. Hence, good communication established between me and myself — between me and my God.

Since then, I realize that my physical health condition cannot merely depend on the health insurance I have. I consider it as a system of this world — just a must have. I have to take great care of myself by recognizing the needs of my physical body. I need to be conscious of the right food to consume, having sufficient sleep and rest — praying for safety and good health. I also need to be careful as not to get into trouble because of ignorance — though I already did.

When my emotion is being hit by frustration and discouragement, I wonder if it could be from my high expectation towards myself and those around me. Being confined to my bed for few days and nights has taught me that I should have the attitude of accepting things and let them go especially when I have no control over it — since I’m not the master of this world and this life.  I’m just a part of it and should be content with what I’m capable of — not towards becoming 100% perfect which is impossible and killing.

On the spiritual aspect of my life, I’ve always considered my religious views and devotion as very important. They keep me going and breathing. My life has been shaped much by them and I have no doubt of the spiritual existence. I couldn’t do much when I was stuck in bed. I could only utter certain spiritual phrases begging for life. I saw in front of me huge tasks and responsibilities to fulfill. At the same time I realized that I wasn’t the ultimate decision maker for my life. But, I would always be grateful for every minute added into my lifetime and for being able to see the next day.

There are times when I tend to fill a little hole with the ocean — trying to put a lot of information into my little head. It’s the craving for more knowledge in order to become more knowledgeable.  When I was confined to my bed, I knew my limitations. Even in that condition my mind was still working — playing every data of ideas and information which came in and out of my painful head. That experience taught me to let go of things, empty my mind and relax.

I’ve come to the conclusion that in everything, I just need to keep things simple and manageable.  Forget about thinking or dreaming too big. Accept things as what they are each day. There is more to this life than just working. There are 86,400 seconds in a day to be fruitfully spent by being kind to myself and others.

I’m erasing the idea of wanting to be above everything or everyone. We’ve always been taught to compete and show our best to beat others. This mentality will only make a person become arrogant and overburdened, causing deep stress and depression. We all have a unique way and part to play in this world. So, when we arrive to our limit, we should be happier and content with it. We have played our part the best we can. It’s better to achieve something which isn’t that bad and live healthier than to achieve something too big and later be confined to a bed — motionless.

Out of the Blue

Out of the blue I'm feeling a slight discomfort on my right waist like a muscle tension on my bones. I'm still recovering from coughing. Besides the stress of work, I think the changing temperature of the heat and rain has also affected the body's resistance. Apart from that, whenever I cough, the discomfort on my waist increased as a result of strained muscle. At this time, I realize that I can't be letting myself overcome by strong emotions such as allowing anger and irritation to take control since it will trigger the muscle discomfort. I also realized that after sleeping on a string bed (though tripled with mattresses) for few weeks -  after moving to the school house, I began to feel the discomfort on my waist since the day before. So, in order not to make my condition worse, I turned to the Japanese bed style by placing my mattresses on the floor instead. It's more comfortable this way - though I'm waiting to get fully recovered. 

It's when we're in good health, we tend to be able to do plenty of things and talk about anything, But when we are in pain or in sickness, it seems to be the best moments to remember and reflect upon the things we had done before, be it good or unpleasant ones.  It helps us to realize that we are not superhuman, not supersister or superbrother, not superneighbour ... to be too smart to tell the world that we're right and correct. But it's always a good time to help us hold our tongue and listen with our heart.

I see a hero in each one as well as in myself and at the same time I also see the person incapable of many things inside us. Pain and sickness are the things which tell us who we are and why we shouldn't judge others ... we are all subjects to these but we shouldn't be discouraged. It's moulding us into a much better human person. 

Golden Gate Bridge, SFO

There Is Always A Way

I have lived many years and there are times I lose track of certain things like the life span of some of my electronic items. So after few fast years without interruptions, I had my watch strap broken, adapter not working followed by the laptop itself, my cell phone which turned off on its own sometimes - I was thinking, how am I going to survive without all these. Before, I used to get whatever I wanted right there on that very moment. But after all the experiences in the past which taught me lots of lessons with regards to financial management - now I have come back to my senses. Rather than going right away to the IT superstore, I took time to reflect of all the other possibilities which wouldn't bring me to the wrong path of owing and paying. 

My watch is still working. It's just that I can't wear it because of the broken strap. I can't get it fixed because of it's company not available here. So, I still bring it with me in my purse. I have a good old citizen watch which I still can use if I change the battery. So, is there a need to buy another one? 

My cell phone seems cooperative. It still works and is showing some signs of improving. So, I can still use it though there is a strong desire to get a smartphone which I think for now is not that necessary. I don't even look at my old cell phone so often unless it rings. So, for now a smartphone is a later thing for me - when I have more contacts to deal with and updates to look at. 

My laptop has arrived its life span though with repair it still serves but without much capacity. Looking for a new one is compulsory but for now that could mean getting it through installment process which I think will help me to lose few hundreds bucks instead of saving them. In the midst of the chaos in my mind about how to do and complete my analysis and graphic works without using a computer - unless I allow myself to be in queue using public computer, which sounds so hectic, problematic and will give me enough headache, and right on that moment when I announced that my laptop was not working, it was like an angel's rescue, a close friend asked if I would like to borrow her laptop. She has this brand new spare which she received from special aids in her workplace. So, here I'm willing to wait for a few months paystubs in order to get a new laptop instead of going right away to the store and grab one under installment.

I realize that every problem has a solution but it doesn't have to be really fast that will make us suffer later. There is always a way and I'm so thankful for that - for the gift of patience and tolerance - our home and this world could be much better.

Dallas

Having Less And Yet Enough

When I think about what is necessary in order to have a better and less stressful life - and yet still living life to its fullest, so often we think that by having a lot of properties and possessions in life will bring true satisfaction and success. But even with all these notions, I still agree that having less and yet enough is the key to a more peaceful life - through good times and bad times.

During this my so-called 'sabbatical', I prefer to choose a very simple life. It's like gathering every piece of me from the past, present and future. It's a right and precious time to know myself even much better  - and I'm so grateful for these moments. Here in this place, I have the opportunities to know more people from different backgrounds. I admit that I learn a lot from the friendships -  at the same time learning how to be more tolerant with each others' differences too.

Besides sharing some gifts and skills I have with the young, I'm also taking the opportunity to polish myself since learning and education never stop. At the same time, I'm still holding the dreams in my mind and heart. In order to be able to see them come true one day, this is my right time to begin - in a better and proper way. However, it's not an easy job and it's not a smooth progress. So often, I have to juggle between work and this personal commitment - within packed and tight schedule. Because of that, I try to declutter so that I can move freely within space and time.

So again, here I am with all my dreams for a better life condition each day ... because I believe that each day should become better and better ... I believe in the happy ending - which is also a happy beginning.

Imperfections

I know it's just unfair to leave my 'vacation home' here empty when friends are asking why is the silence. Well, when I have too much to say, often I'm left with having not enough time to tell things out. Besides, this kind of perfection inside me is often telling me to delay and delay ... which is not good at all. 

Whatever it is, we should accept our imperfections even in words and sayings ... as long as you understand what they mean. So, here I am again ... with all my imperfections and what I am.

From my  mom's humble garden

Freedom

It’s not that I have abandoned this blog but finally I just have to say that life is demanding so much of my time and energy – that for now this will be like a vacation home for me to sit and relax whenever I have the time – hoping to come back here more often.

Life does have so much to say – as we deal with works, daily chores, relationships and other life demands. 

Honestly, as I look at the clock ticking, my life is sped up and I’m breathless - as if I’m trying to catch and grab something, not to let it go.  Oh well! It’s either we grow old or die young – the only option is to move on gracefully. It doesn’t matter where we stop. 

The beauty of life is still there and it will be such a waste to let time pass just like that without looking at the wonderful things happening around us. 

I would like to have that joy and peace of mingling myself with what Mother Nature has given us – without thinking so much of rules and regulations – but only freedom which includes opportunities to learn from mistakes and failures.  

Yes, FREEDOM is the ultimate gift that each of us would like to have - which means time and space that we can use to the fullest and to the best of our being.  On the other hand, freedom has to be governed by the Rule of Love so that there will be peace and harmony within and around us. 

 

 Caught this bird one afternoon

Its Time

9 February 2013 - Friday ----- 12 February 2013 - Tuesday

It was kind of weird to experience phone and internet lines went out of service since Friday evening to Tuesday morning - plus a few hours of electricity black out on Saturday evening. The same thing happened back there at my parents’ home just before I was about to leave for here. 

I couldn’t stop myself from being bothered as I was anxious to check on something important and waiting for calls. Somehow deep in my heart, I assured myself to be calm, let go and surrender the moments of which I had no control. 

That evening Ivan and I waited at the living room with some candles lighted on. Probably it was our chance to spend some moments sitting and listening to the silence. However we broke it by strumming the guitar while humming on the songs none of us could memorize – for which we were comforted and relieved from the stress. Then the light turned on. Electricity was back again but the phone and internet lines remained the same. Perhaps a good time to stay away for a little while from them. – as sometimes we spend more times with these electronic devices than with our loved ones - if not alone by ourselves.

It’s not easy to practice the joy of full surrender as Caussade explains but once we master this skill, life becomes really easy as sipping a cup of coffee – in fact I didn’t know that it was that simple! All my years went to search for the so called ‘true happiness’ – which lies just under your pillow. And yet to master this skill, which I can probably acquire only at the end of my life journey - I’m still a student who hope to graduate earlier and don’t have to wait until I’m at the end of my life semester.  

Then, a cable guy came to fix the phone and internet lines on Tuesday morning. It didn’t take long to get them on service again. Yes, everything seems to have its own time … 

Reading Challenge

Thinking of committing myself to read at least one book in a week before the year ends. So, they're supposed to be about 16 books. That'll be awesome if I can finish that many. One of the reasons is to improve my writing, vocab and grammar. As an ESL speaker, I still need to polish my English. At the same time to prepare myself for any teaching assignment in the near future. I guess it's really a good idea to participate in the reading challenge. I should start this month!